Under Your Sky
by artsc
Summary: With Christmas around the corner, Beca has only two things on her mind: bringing someone home for the holidays and finally admitting what she's been holding back. But Christmas has an odd way of meddling.
1. Prologue

_AN: This fic will have shorter chapters, but I will upload a few at a time._

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Prologue

Time froze. The snow in the air held still. She looked to her right, and there she was. Smiling at the icicles on the window and the grinding of the tires, Chloe laughed along with the radio. Warm air blew from the vents, brushing the red hair from Chloe's face. Beca had never longed to be the air so much. But she had to be human, driving the car, watching Chloe from the corner of her eye and hoping that Chloe was paying more attention to the snowflakes than to Beca.

It hurt in the worst way. It burned. Behind her eyes, tears yearned to be set free. But Beca had no idea whether they came from happiness of sadness or loss or fear. It just hurt.

Chloe had no idea, either, what was going on with Beca. It never occurred to her to even think about it. They had too much fun to notice anything unpleasant.

But Beca was breaking.


	2. Chapter 1

Part I: Stale Air

"Just a few more minutes," Chloe begged, turning up the radio with one hand and holding the other up to the vent. "It's so cold outside."

"Come on, I have to get you home. Aubrey will have my hide if you're late." Beca smiled, imagining everything differently. It wasn't just an adventure to get hot chocolate on a cold day. To her, in her mind, it was reassurance. It was normality in the face of change. "Plus, you know we have practice tomorrow."

Chloe didn't protest. It would be her own fault of she couldn't drag herself through practice with enough energy to please Aubrey's rage.

She watched the snow-covered trees pass by as Beca drove, trying and failing to count the houses with Christmas lights up. Chloe pressed her forehead against the window and shut her eyes. The music and the rumbling of Beca's old car nearly put her to sleep.

"How's Jesse?"

Beca heard Chloe quite clearly, but kept her eyes forward and drove on.

"Beca?"

Still, she didn't respond.

"What happened?"

Beca sighed. After checking her mirrors, she pulled over to the side of the road. She turned her key and the radio silenced.

"I told him I couldn't do it any more," Beca said flatly. "I didn't like him Chloe. It just didn't work the way it was supposed to."

Without waiting, Chloe unbuckled her seatbelt and tried her best to hug Beca.

"It's okay. It happens to the best of us."

"I know. I'm not even really upset about it. I'm just really tired."

Beca had been claiming tiredness for a while now. It was a daily occurrence, having people wonder of she was okay but excusing it with exhaustion. But it was the first time Chloe had brought it up.

Beca had always thought it was an unspoken agreement to just not talk about things like that. Their friendship was a break from everything else; it didn't need to mix in.

"Want me to drive the rest of the way?"

"No. I'm good."

After checking the road, Beca drove on.

They passed Barden's massive entrance. Beca pulled into the student parking lot a block away.

"Beca?"

"Yeah?"

"Want to hang in my dorm when we get there?" Chloe was always so earnest. It killed Beca, but in the weird good way.

It was a secret Beca had been keeping for quote a while now. But she wasn't ready to admit it.

"Sure."


	3. Chapter 2

Beca remembered it so clearly. Her backyard, green with the growth of spring, set the stage. Her friend, her only friend at the time, told her what it meant.

Seven years old. And it didn't feel wrong at all.

Years passed. School came and went, and Beca drifted from relationship to relationship. It stuck in the back of her mind, but it wasn't until eighth grade that it came back full force.

She shoved it back down and moved on.

Then in sophomore year, it came back. Dreams. Thoughts. Words. Tears. Everything pointed in one way, but Beca wasn't looking.

"No way. I'm just fooling myself. I'll look back on al this in years and be embarrassed. I just know it."

Her mantra. Every day, the same thing. Until it got really bad.

"Who would the lesbian be?"

Over the years her group of friends had grown considerably. Although they still didn't know what she kept a secret.

Somehow it was a bad secret. She didn't want to say anything because she didn't know, herself. She was raised the way anyone else was, and yet, the words and the feelings just felt right.

She tried dating. She tried harder than she thought would be necessary. But she was left with nothing, unlike those around her.

Hardly anyone noticed. Beca was usually quiet. She didn't draw attention to herself. She lost herself in her music and let her music speak for her, always encoded with a secret meaning that no one would know unless she told them. Every song spoke to her. Every line could be her story.

Yet it wasn't. It never would be.

She was alone in the crowds. Beca swam and swam, finding islands and driftwood but never real land. Still she shoved it down.

Beca, is asked to describe it, would refuse. But in her head, she would think it felt like a burp. Just below her mouth the truth inflated, taking up space until it refused to be ignored.

Then college came, and it was squished, compressed into the smallest space possible.

Then there was Chloe.


	4. Chapter 3

The dorm was empty, according to Chloe. Aubrey had been busy packing to go on early vacation back home and was taking a much needed break. Beca stepped over the seam between hallway carpet and dorm carpet.

"So, now what?"

"Now we do whatever."

Beca froze. Too much flew through her head at four simple words. Too many thoughts bombarded her at once. Timing. Tone. Future. Heartbeat. The ground felt like rubber under her feet. Nothing stood still.

"…So I think tomorrow we could get lunch, how does that sound?"

Beca realized she had been nodding the whole time. She must have somehow made a plan.

"And Aubrey's monopolized any time past four, so we have until then if we want to do anything else…"

Yep. She did want to do something else.

Shit. No. Too much thinking. Friends. They were friends. That was it. Anything else was weird. Way too weird.

"Um, yeah. Yeah. Sounds good." Beca rubbed her eyes as she talked, trying to get out of her own head.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Tired."

She hadn't slept well in days, so that much was true. But she was far from okay.

"Want to sleep?" Chloe never ceased to be earnest.

"Yeah." Beca looked around and started to walk to the couch, but Chloe diverted her path. Before she could process it, Beca was on Chloe's bed. "What?"

"You're tired. Sleep." Her smile glowed in the darkening room.

Beca lay back, staying stiff the whole time. The comfortable bed absorbed her more than she was willing to relax into it.

Beca shut her eyes tight against the yellow light on Chloe's desk. The less she thought about it, the better it would all be.

The small dorm felt smaller than ever. Even the air was struggling to find room. Beca breathed and had no hope of avoiding the smell that followed Chloe around everywhere she went. Her stomach tensed and dry tears threatened to make an appearance. Yet the room was calm.

Keeping her eyes closed was helping. Dark was good. Less visual crap to pick up. Beca enjoyed the quiet of her mind.

The bed shifted.

"What?" Beca shot up from her position and turned to see Chloe lying next to her.

"Howdy."

"You're going to kill me some day," Beca said, catching her breath.

"Because clearly, that's the plan. Really, though, what's going on with you?"

It was her chance to let it all out. The timing was right, the dorm was otherwise empty, and the universe was open to her.

"My parents have been bugging me about making friends." Chickened out. "I need to bring someone home for Christmas or they'll think I'm turning into an anti-social nutcase who somehow managed to join a club and still not be any more interesting other than my music but no one cares about that, so I'm left trying to figure out how to survive the holiday while still keeping my family alive and I'm running out of realistic ideas because time travel hasn't been invented and I can't turn invisible." It wasn't until she stopped talking that Beca realized how long her sentences were and how lost Chloe must have been.

"What about me?"

"What?"

"Me. My family's in Florida and they're sick of me anyways."

And so Beca was thrown into a situation which she was completely and utterly unprepared for.

"Yeah, sounds good." Beca lay back down on the bed as close to the edge as she could get without falling off.

The lamp was still on. Chloe's breathing was long and measured; she was still awake. After years of avoiding movies, Beca regretted missing the chance to learn about perfect timing and happy endings. But that wasn't for her. She would never get the happy ending. That was what happened, wasn't it? She would never get the girl. She would be the one forgotten and left behind, left wandering around trying to find the happiness that came with the time before words were exchanged and hopes shared.

So it was either now or later. The question haunted her daily. Savor the moment or get it over with before it will hurt too much? Pretend everything's okay or stop lying to everyone, including herself?

Beca turned over to face Chloe. She underestimated how close Chloe was, and she ended up nearly nose to nose with her.

"Bec?" Chloe looked worried.

"I- uh," Beca paused. Her heart pumped blood through her arteries and she felt like she would burst. Her chest couldn't hold all that new pressure. Something had to break. It had to be Beca or Beca's ribcage. Beca or Beca's body. "My family's weird."

"Everyone's is."

"My uncle will make extremely inappropriate jokes. My cousin will talk nonstop about who knows what. My dad will make the worst puns you could possibly think of, and that's not even the worst. Everyone is old. Everyone. It'll smell like eighty year old turkey." Beca wasn't sure why she was telling Chloe all of this. Wasn't it what she wanted? The girl of her dreams stuck at her house over Christmas? Most likely sharing a bedroom?

That set Beca off. Her face burned. Every finger twitched, taunted by the closeness of Chloe. Their toes were millimeters apart, and yet the forbidden distance was uncrossable.

"I'm still coming. We're in this together. I'll get you through it."

If only she knew.


	5. Chapter 4

Light touched the tops of the buildings of Barden. One hour until Christmas break officially began.

Beca watched the clock, tapping her pencil on her thigh under her desk to the beat of the song in her head. Everyone around her was waiting in similar fashion, but Beca was waiting for something entirely different.

3:00.

The Bellas were meeting at the mall for last minute Christmas shopping, and Beca knew that she had to stake her claim on one of the few benches in the place to get Aubrey to let her sit out of the activity. Within fifteen minutes, Beca was planted on the bench next to the escalator and watched her singing pack of friends drift from store to store. All but one.

Chloe was late.

Beca continually checked her phone, switching between the weather and her music, waiting. While she was invested in a particularly difficult song selection, someone sat next to her. Beca instinctively moved the other way, but the other person moved closer. The chase continued until Beca was at the edge of the bench.

"What is wrong with you? Do you have any-"

She stopped. Chloe's familiar face was tainted with worry and concern.

"Oh, um, sorry, I didn't realize it could be you, I mean, now that I know I don't mind but you snuck up on me and I'm not mad at you. Sorry." Beca shoved her phone in her pocket as she spoke, but it took her more tries than was normal because her hands suddenly stopped functioning properly.

"Beca. It's fine. Why aren't you shopping?" Chloe's distraught look dissipated and she now looked ready for anything.

"Believe it or not, Chloe," Beca said, "I'm not a huge shopper. I prefer getting my eyes gouged out."

"So you're just sitting here?"

"Yep."

"Then I'll sit here, too."

It was a golden moment. A sign from the universe, even.

Chloe was waiting. Beca could tell that she wanted to talk, just to fill the silent air. No one else was around. It was just the two of them on the bench.

"So, what's up with you? Need to talk about anything?"  
Beca froze. This was definitely a sign from the universe. No doubt about it.

The air around her got warmer. She was running out of breath.

"Um, well, I have been doing a lot of thinking, and no one ever seems to notice, and now it seems like the perfect time to say something because you asked and I promised myself I would just spit it out but now I don't think I can because I'm trying to not pass out." Beca gripped her wrist. Her blood rushed under her skin, adding to the already uncomfortable heat that pooled in her hands.

"You're acting weird…"

_"Weirdo. Don't even bother trying any more. You're nothing. You're worthless. You're…"_

"You're looking kind of pale, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just… tired."

Chloe reached out a hand but withdrew it when she saw Beca start to turn away.

"You told me it was more than that."

"Fine. Fine. Okay. I'm- fuck, this is harder than I thought."

"Beca, right now, tell me one thing. Are you in danger?"

"No."

"Pregnant?"

"No." Beca laughed. "Far from it."

"Drugs?"

"No."

"Deathly illness?"

"No."

"Okay." Chloe sighed and patted Beca on the shoulder. "It's fine. You're fine."

Beca's stomach twisted like it had so many times before.

"That's the thing. I'm not fine. I'm tearing myself apart." Beca breathed deeply in an attempt to control her heart rate. "I-"

"Let's go!" Fat Amy roared from a few stores away. "C'mon, if I don't get some fried food I'm gonna take it out on one of you guys."

Chloe looked to Beca. Her eyes wavered, but her message was clear.

"Okay, let's go," Beca said, standing up.

As they walked towards the door, Beca slowed so that she was just behind everyone else. Chloe followed suit.

"Beca, do you still want to tell me?"

"Yeah."

They passed through a group of people together. Beca said it. She just spat it out. Tears welled up in her eyes and she was relieved.

"What was that? Sorry, I couldn't hear."

And it all came back.


	6. Chapter 5

The car ride back to Barden was horrendous, as Beca remembered it. Crying. Cursing. Kicking the seat until it was deformed. Fat Amy, the unwisely chosen driver, sped along the road, patiently waiting out Beca's fit.

"Shorty, how'm I supposed to help you when you won't tell me what's goin' on?"

Beca winced. It was all too familiar. The words, the situation, the everything.

Fat Amy pulled into a parking lot across from campus, refusing to let Beca out until she admitted what was wrong.

"Write it down and show it to me. Text me. Wait, no. Sign language. Yeah, if you don't know it in sign language, how bad could it possibly be?"

Although Beca didn't quite understand Fat Amy's logic, she knew it would have to happen.

She typed it on her phone. Life changing but nothing different. The short sentence stared back at her against the white background. It was so simple. Just hold out the phone and be done. But she had to say it. She had to do it.

"I haven't gotten used to saying this out loud. I'm sorry." Beca paced her words, making sure not to sound too out of sorts. "I'm really sorry, I didn't want to pull you into this. I mean, you would have eventually, but I didn't want you to have to deal with all this now when it's the worst and you're not going to have time to really talk about this because let's be honest, practices take up all our free time, and I just want things to stay the same for once in my life in a good way so that I can get this fucking thing off of my chest."

Her rant was half directed at Amy and half directed at herself.

"Slow down, bud. It's okay," Fat Amy said, trying to sift through all of Beca's unclear points and follow the conversation. "Whenever you're ready."

Deep breaths. Slow. Control. That was what Beca knew. Control herself and control the situation.

_"It's okay to be afraid, but it's important to know that the rest of my life isn't going to be as bad as my worst moment."_

_ The mantra ran through her head as she walked down the halls. People looked away from her while she avoided them just as much, if not more. Then there was the pack._

_ The pack, as she called them, were ruthless. Bullies at best, attackers at worst._

_ Beca would hear everything. She would be the first to admit that she wasn't the most outgoing person, or the most "normal" by most standards. But the pack, they took the action, assisted and encouraged by countless other students who would never have noticed Beca anyways._

"I don't know how obvious this may or may not have been. Again, I'm sorry. I- it's just hard to spit out."

Fat Amy turned towards Beca to the best degree the car would let her.

"Come on, if you don't say it now, you're never going to. I can tell you want to."

She was right. Beca had been waiting years for this moment. But now she was on the verge of forgetting it all and finally moving on.

"I'm gay."

Silence. Fat Amy smiled.

"You're not that good a hiding it, ya know? If I had to guess anyone, you'd top the list."

Beca didn't know how to counter that.

_"Beca, I don't want people thinking you're…"_

_ "What, mom?"_

_ "I don't want people thinking you're gay. Unless you are, but I just… Be careful, okay? People can be mean."_

_ Beca tried to smile. It was true, that people had started talking. But she didn't want to say anything just yet. She wasn't sure. So she didn't say anything._

"You okay?" Fat Amy turned up the heat, defogging the windshield. Beca hadn't noticed how long they had been sitting there.

"Yeah. Finally."

"You sure?"

"For once, yes." Beca readjusted her seatbelt. "Let's go."


	7. Chapter 6

The rest of the night was hard. Beca praised herself on how poorly she had planned everything. She couldn't stop Fat Amy from glancing her way. She couldn't stop her nerves whenever Chloe was around, because Chloe was more desperate than ever to hear Beca's confession.

While they were, against Beca's wishes, watching a movie, Chloe leaned over and closed in on Beca.

"What's going on?" Chloe whispered.

"Nothing. I talked with Amy, now it's all good." Beca was used to lying like that. Casually. Pretending it was all okay when everything was falling apart around her.

"Okay. I'm here for you if you need it."

That hurt. Beca knew Chloe would be the hardest by far to talk to. She would never find the right time or the best time. Chances were it was going to be the worst time possible. But Beca had other things to worry about before then. The number one thing she had to concentrate on was getting back to her dorm in one piece without crying. It seemed easy enough.

The movie lasted an hour and a half too long according to Beca, but that might have also been due to her need to escape as soon as possible. She needed to be alone, or as alone as possible with Kimmy Jin glaring at her from whatever she was doing on her laptop.

By the time the screen was dark, half of the Bellas were asleep. Beca managed to sneak out while Chloe wasn't looking, but Stacie blocked her final exit.

"What's your deal today?" Stacie whisper-shouted.

Beca could already feel the tears coming back. It had already been a long enough day.

"Stacie, get out of my way. I'm going home."

"Yeah, and when Kimmy Jin sees you cry she'll pretend you're dead and then I'm responsible for your next retreat into whatever you've got going on now."

Beca looked up at Stacie. Tears dripped off of the edge of her jaw and it happened again.

"I'm gay."

"Well it's about time you realized it. Now go home before the others notice, otherwise you'll have to do this seven more times, and I don't think you want to do that."

"Thanks."

Beca slid out the door, barely making a sound. It had been too long of a day for her to even try to think about anything. Everything seemed out of place. The ground she walked on tried to escape from under her feet. Beca kept her mouth shut, suppressing the growing sob that was rising in her throat, but that didn't stop the tears streaming on her face.

She stepped out into the cold winter air and breathed. It was fresh against her warm face. Her dorm wasn't too far away, but she slowed her walk so that she could focus on the sound of the snow under her shoes instead of the annoying voice in her head that was telling her that everything was falling apart around her.

Kimmy Jin was less than pleased to see her back, but that didn't stop Beca from falling onto her bed in the loudest way possible.

"If you're going to be like this all night then I'm leaving," Kimmy Jin threatened.

"Go ahead. It's not like-" The door was already open and Kimmy Jin was gone. "Awesome."

Beca turned off all of her lights. Her laptop screen was the only means by which she could see. That way she could focus more. Focus. Thinking too much got her nowhere. It always did.


	8. Chapter 7

Changing Winds

"_Here's the thing, we started out friends. It was cool_-" Beca's quiet mumbling drowned out her thoughts. Aubrey would be coming in three minutes and fifty-two seconds.

Beca texted her. She wanted to tell her because Aubrey seemed the most likely to handle it coldly and without connection. In the best way possible.

"_Wasn't long until I called you mi_-"

Knocking. Short, alert, and efficient. Just like Aubrey. Now that the time had come, all Beca wanted to do was hide behind the door until it was all over. But this was about her. It had to happen.

"Hey."

"About time you opened the goddamn door. What's up with you?" Aubrey seemed more angry than usual. "You don't text someone that you need to talk and then only tell me it's about Chloe."

Beca swallowed her anger, remembering the vague text conversation. She had said it was about Chloe. In retrospect, that might not have been the best idea. Aubrey was as protective as, well, Aubrey. Mess with Chloe, get the worst possible psychological damage from her best friend. Put simply, Beca pissed off Aubrey.

"So, you're here…" Beca said, trying her best to steady her voice.

"Yeah, I am. Spit this out now, or believe me, I will send you to Kuwait in a box with no return address."

"Yikes. Okay. Um, this is hard for me to say, and I really hope that you're okay with it, and it's not really about Chloe, and I know you've been stressed lately and really we all have and man it's hard to talk right now I think I'm running out of breath," Beca rambled. She shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and sat on the edge of her bed.

"Beca. Beca. Please, just spit it out."

"This isn't something I can just say, okay? It's rough. I've been clawing my eyes out trying to find a way that it doesn't taste bad coming out of my mouth and doesn't make me tired just thinking about it. Okay?"

Aubrey didn't say anything. She looked around the room, pulled out Beca's desk chair, and sat in front of her. Once she was settled in, she nodded, signaling Beca to continue.

"I just hate this because it's all on me. I can't escape it. Yeah, I might not be the most outgoing person, but that just leaves me alone with my thoughts that much more and I can't stand it much longer." Beca rested her head in her hands. She couldn't look Aubrey in the eye.

Aubrey leaned back in the chair and waited.

"I'm sorry. I tell you to come over and I can't even tell you why."

Still Aubrey waited.

"Don't stare at me like that."

Nothing.

"Aubrey, quit it! Please, just let me know that you're hearing me."

Aubrey nodded.

"Um, okay. Just give me a second. Just…" Beca pulled at the edge of her shirt and tried to slow her breathing. Hot tears spilled from her eyes and still Aubrey waited quietly.

"Aubrey, I'm gay."

"Nothing about Chloe?"

"No. Nothing." Beca felt her heart lurch at her response.

"Okay. Beca, relax. It's fine, it doesn't change anything. Really, you did a great job. I'm just glad you're not dying or something." Aubrey patted Beca's knee but quickly retracted her hand when she noticed Beca hadn't moved since she last talked. "You okay?"

"I don't know. But thanks for listening."

After Aubrey made sure Beca was okay, she left. Beca lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Snow was falling outside and the cold air was leaking through her window.

Beca rolled off of her bed and pulled the window down, hoping to seal off any potential crack between the window and the wall. As she fastened the window down, Aubrey and Chloe walked across the quad and to whatever they had to do. Beca watched them walk and talk before turning away and finishing packing. Tomorrow was the day.


	9. Chapter 8

_AN: I hope you guys are liking this story so far. This chapter doesn't have a ton of movement, but the next few should be more exciting. Happy holidays!_

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"Sorry to bother you, but are you almost ready?" Beca stepped into Chloe's dorm. Aubrey left a half hour ago for her break.

"Yeah, just give me one more second."

"So you're totally fine with this? You still want to do it?" Beca rocked on her heels and squeezed the handle of her suitcase.

"I keep my promises. Plus, I'm excited," Chloe said, finishing up her own packing.

"But you don't regret deciding to come or anything? Because you can bail now if you want. I understand."

"I told you. I'm with you for this."

"You don't think I'm- you'll still be my friend if everything goes wrong? It can get… weird sometimes."

"Of course! I promise, we'll do this together and laugh about it later." Chloe demonstrated her point by laughing at Beca's obvious discomfort.

"Okay. Why does this make me so nervous?"

"Because it makes everyone nervous. No one's really all that happy to do it. Anyone who says so is lying. Why else would I be so sick of my own family?"

"Well, I don't know. I just hate getting together like this. I always have to think about who knows what and which people hate everyone and figure out the two people who can't stand each other." Beca knew offhand that most of her family would be impossible to deal with over the holiday.

"That's okay, I'll get you through it." Chloe smiled in her amazing way, leaving Beca to grasp for some kind of response in a sea of confusion and exhaustion.

Once Chloe finished packing, they loaded their suitcases into Beca's car and drove off. The snow landed lightly on the windows, easily brushed away by the wind.

Beca's favorite part of the holiday was always the car ride to wherever she was going. But this time was special. Per Chloe's request, Beca's mixes played through the car's speakers the whole trip and any and all talk of family was ignored and passed over. Every now and then, Beca would glance over and see Chloe try to sing along, only to be caught off guard by the switch in melody or song. Chloe laughed in time with every song that played and Beca did her best to laugh along. But she had other things on her mind. Her phone buzzed all through the car ride, and although Chloe offered to look at the texts, Beca kept her phone away from prying eyes and hid from the open wound she left back at campus.

Every short burst from her phone pushed Beca further inside her head. Chloe's voice faded to a dull hum in the background to her worries. Everything could go wrong if something slipped out. Everything could change of she didn't keep her tongue in check. Everything could go perfectly fine, but then again, nothing ever did. It didn't when her dad left, it didn't when her mom stopped calling her, and it didn't when Jesse noticed her holding back. It was a miracle in and of itself that no one else had said anything, and even more so that Jesse was leaving it alone.

He figured it out after a few weeks, but he didn't want to let go. Beca had kept her distance, hoping that Jesse would just quit, but he saw something that had to be talked about. Still, even when he asked, Beca never flat out said it. It became a mutual understanding between them that neither of them would bring it up and that they would still be friends. If anyone asked, it just didn't work out. But every now and then he would text her, asking if she was okay and reminding her that she did have unfinished business to take care of. Beca knew just as well without his texts that she wouldn't really be able to move on unless she opened up.

So the car ride with Chloe was an unfortunate reminder but a pleasant time. Beca managed to not crash her car each time Chloe tried to start a conversation, and Beca didn't break when she couldn't find the right words to say. Eventually Chloe settled into the music and resorted back to trying to sing along.

For Beca, every word from Chloe's mouth was a reminder that she still didn't know. Every laugh was Chloe's oblivious nature.

Again, if Beca was asked to describe the feeling, she wouldn't. But it was there, and it was growing with each passing hour.


	10. Chapter 9

"Oh, you're home!"

Her mother's familiar screech penetrated the car's closed windows, shocking both Beca and Chloe.

"We begin," Beca said to Chloe, sighing.

"It's gonna be aca-awesome." Chloe smiled her winning smile and opened the door. "I'm great with families, by the way. It's like, impossible for a family not to like me. Don't ask why; I have no idea. Maybe it's just that they can tell I'm that cool."

"Please no. No."

"Mrs. Mitchell! Hi, I'm Chloe!" Chloe ran from the car and up the short walkway to where Beca's mom was standing.

"Oh, honey. If you're not going to call me mom, you'll have to go with Em. Although Dr. Mitchell might not have the same take I do on formality…"

Beca's mom started to walk towards Beca's car, followed by Chloe. The three of them unloaded and headed into the house.

"Both of you are going to be in Beca's old room. Bec, you know the drill. Please remember that you have a guest with you." Em dropped her share of the luggage at the bottom of the staircase and left to manage the rest of the arriving family.

Beca and Chloe lugged their stuff into Beca's room and started to unpack.

"Um, take over any drawers you want. They should be empty," Beca said as she unloaded her suitcase by shoving it unopened into her closet. "My dad will demand dinner around exactly six, so we got a few hours to kill."

Chloe looked up from her suitcase and nodded. She was occupied with keeping everything as folded as possible without having to redo everything while she transferred her belongings from her suitcase to the drawers by Beca's closet.

Beca's bed, full size but not meant for more than one person, was pushed up against the wall farthest from the door. Around it lay cracked CD cases and what looked like a notebook was just visible from its spot under the bed. The walls were blue; the carpet was gray. Beca's closet door was still covered with posters from the concerts she went to all through high school. At the foot of her bed, an old guitar and an electric keyboard stood with cables resting on the desk wedged between the instruments and the wall. The rest of the floor space was occupied by their luggage and cardboard boxes.

"What's in those?" Chloe lifted the lid of one of the boxes and pulled out a record.

"Old vinyls. I used to collect them," Beca responded absentmindedly. "There should be a record player somewhere around here if you look hard enough."

Beca was usually quiet, but Chloe noticed more than ever Beca's quick response time and brief sentences. Everything she said was clearly filtered until only the most necessary words remained. It wasn't that much different from before, but Beca's lowered eyebrows and quieter voice told Chloe that something was different at home. Beca was hiding something. And it was starting to show.

Chloe couldn't see the whole "thing," but Beca was cracking. She worried about her.

"Hey, Beca?"

"Yeah."

"You sure you're okay?"

"For the most part, yeah. Just be warned, my family's going to fight. A lot. And they can be aggressive." Beca continued to grumble about her family as she dug through her old cardboard boxes, pulling out various items and knick-knacks. "Anyways, if you need anything food related, feel free to grab it from the kitchen. TV can get confusing, but don't ask my dad because he doesn't know how to work it. Actually, don't ask him to do anything. Ask my mom. Or anyone else, really."

Chloe noted this new information, but also Beca's quick change in topic.

Beca kept as much distance between her and Chloe as she possibly could, all the while keeping her face buried in boxes or turned towards the closest wall. She pretended to examine old posters and spun CDs on her fingers. Anything to keep her busy. Anything to keep the words out of her head.


	11. Chapter 10

Oncoming Storm

-10+ Unread Messages-

Aubrey: beca pick up your phone or i will kill you

Jesse: you doin okay? hows your holiday?

Aubrey: wait wait you're with chloe

Aubrey: you liar

Aubrey: it was about her

Aubrey: you coward

Aubrey: I swear if you don't answer me i will break you

Aubrey: you're avoiding me i can tell

Jesse: hello?

Aubrey: I know what you're doing

Aubrey: please just tell me that it's okay

Aubrey: im just looking out for chloe

Jesse: you taking care of youself?

Aubrey: be careful


	12. Chapter 11

Beca paced in front of the door and gave Chloe the run down.

"Okay. Dad'll come any minute, and he'll want to know who you are. Be honest but not too forward, or he'll shut down and grump the holiday away if he's not already in a crappy mood. Aunts and uncles are old but not too old. They smell weird and most of them are easy to pick out. Avoid them if you can. Cousins are okay. Grandparents are hardly mobile, so they're easy to escape if any conversation becomes unbearable. My mom has two sisters; my dad has a sister and a brother. They all hate him. Amy and Greg are siblings and are mom's sister Janet's kids. Karen, her other sister, will probably bring her kid Adam who's about six or seven. My dad's side has way too many twenty year olds and a hoard of toddlers. Avoid both types."

"Beca,"

"Oh, and Adam talks with his mouth full, and-"

"Beca." Chloe stopped Beca from walking and grabbed her shoulders. "I'm sure everything will be fine. Your family sounds… exciting."

The doorbell rang and Em ran between them to open it.

"John." The cordial greeting was a noticeable departure from the ones given earlier.

"Em… Happy holidays. Beca, who's this?" Her dad stepped inside and looked at Chloe.

"This is Chloe. She goes to Barden." Beca stepped forward. She was a few inches shorter than John but she didn't back down. "Be nice."

"I should say the same to you. Just to be clear, this is not some kind of teenage party."

"Fuck, Dad, get over yourself." Beca turned away and sighed. Chloe had a hand over her mouth and was trying not to jump into anything.

"Mr. Mitchell, I'm Chloe," she eventually said, holding out her other hand and lowering the one from her face. "I think I've seen you around campus."

"I'm sure you have. I'm going to assume you know the rules of my house?"

"John, this is my house and I won't let you enfore your stupid rules here," Em interrupted.

"Stop it. Chloe, all I ask is that you keep any 'frisky business' to yourself and if at all possible out of this house. I will not tolerate any of that during my time here."

John straightened his back, picked up his suitcase, and went upstairs. The rest of his side of the family followed, giving Chloe knowing smiles as they passed.

Once everyone was settled in, Beca led Chloe to the basement.

"Now, you're not going to murder me, right?" Chloe asked jokingly.

"Nah. Too obvious."

The basement was filled with old furniture and more cardboard boxes. In one corner was a card table and folding chairs, and any free space along the walls was taken up by either rolled up posters or bins of blankets and pillows.

"Why's all this stuff down here?" Chloe asked, beginning to pick through the various objects.

"Well, when my dad left we moved to a smaller house so we shoved his stuff down here. We got some new furniture and stuff to forget about him. We hid him under our feet." Beca sat on a plastic bin and leaned against the wall. "As much as I hated him, I missed having a full family. Dinner was quiet; evenings were lonely. I came down here to pretend it was okay. I wanted to remember the good parts of him, the daily stuff."

Chloe stood next to Beca, listening to the footsteps from above and smelling the warm, dry air. She rested a hand on Beca's shoulder.

Beca's phone went off in her pocket, but Beca ignored it.

The door at the top of the stairs opened.

"Bec?" It was Em. She saw Chloe looking down at Beca. It didn't take much to tell that Beca was somewhat flustered, but as her mom, Em could tell she was watching something big. "Oh."

Before Beca or Chloe could notice, Em closed the door, smiling. It took a while, but Beca was finally breaking down.


	13. Chapter 12

The house glowed dimly against the darkening sky. Snow drifted down and stuck to the windows, slowly blocking out the lights inside. All through the halls it was quiet.

Beca focused on her breathing. Slow. Even. Slower. Deep. Don't wake up Chloe. Don't get nervous. Don't freak out.

Chloe's body inched closer to Beca's. She threw her arm sleepily over Beca's back, nearly hitting Beca's face. Beca flinched but kept herself from moving any further.

In the dark quiet, she hummed to herself. When she was sure Chloe was still sleeping, she started to whisper.

"You know, I haven't been honest with you in a long time. I haven't been okay in a long time, either. Seeing you smile rips me apart. Hardly a day goes by when I don't think about how much I miss you and how you wouldn't understand how I could miss someone who spends so much time with me. I miss the day we met and when you looked up and smiled after I auditioned. I miss having a future and having you be a part of that. But I'm not the kind of person who gets a future with the person I want." Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "I know the stories. I haven't seen the movies, but I know. I'm there when you need me then my job is done. I get it. I hate it."

Chloe sighed in her sleep and moved closer to Beca.

If she told her right then, Chloe might not even have the energy to react. Beca tossed the idea around but decided against it. Holidays first.

But she kept talking.

"I was seven and it made sense. Now nothing makes sense. I'm talking to you while you sleep in the dark in my room over the holidays and you have no idea what's going on. I miss you. I miss thinking about you without feeling like I've been torn up."


	14. Chapter 13

Chloe was the first to get up. She was well rested, which could not have been said about Beca who was draped across the edge of the bed. Beca's phone was charging on her desk. It kept going off, although quietly. Chloe wanted to check, but didn't. It had been going off the whole time she was with Beca; if Beca didn't want her messages answered, then Chloe would honor that.

But it kept happening. She unlocked the phone just to get it to shut up, but in the split second she saw the screen, she saw her name and at least five texts from Aubrey.

Chloe looked over her shoulder to check if Beca was still asleep.

She was.

Chloe unplugged the phone and stared at the black screen. Then it lit up.

Aubrey: this is getting annoying beca. just tell her. please tell me what youre going to do. I know what you have to tell her.

Beca stirred and rolled over. She was now facing Chloe, still asleep. People started moving around the house. Quickly, Chloe put down Beca's phone and dashed to the bathroom.

Aubrey's texts were burned into Chloe's mind. They were all she could think about. She was right; she knew something was going on with Beca.

"Chloe, just letting you know, my mom's planning on having a family dinner tonight. In case you wanted to bail." Beca was standing outside of the bathroom.

"We've been over this," Chloe said through the bathroom door, "I'm staying whether you want me or not." She smiled and waited until she heard Beca walk away to come out. "I just hope you're okay," she added, just quiet enough so that only she could hear.

They spent the day rummaging through the basement, with Beca continually ignoring her phone. Chloe could only imagine the pileup of Aubrey's texts and started to speculate what they could mean. Deathly illness. Family trouble. Bellas stuff. It could be anything, and Chloe was driving herself crazy to find out.

So she waited.

Beca darted around, never staying in one place for more than a few seconds. Chloe attributed it to her stress of being at home, but something told her it was more than that. Em kept checking on them; each time she opened the door she was smiling. The biggest problem was that Beca kept her phone in her pocket. Unfortunately, Chloe had never mastered the art of pick pocketing, and was left useless on her hunt for answers.

After a day spent away from family, Em called down to them for dinner. Beca clomped up the stairs, but Chloe was close behind, as perky as ever. Dinner meant conversation. She might find more out.

Em had taken it upon herself to cook nearly everything in the house, or so it seemed based on the sheer amount of food that was ready on the table before everyone even had the chance to sit down. Chairs pushed close to one another, each one vying for the spots around the turkey and salad. Beca, as expected, sat at the edge of the table.

"Chloe, why don't you take the head down at that end. John is… He's going to be a few minutes late," Em said, noticing Chloe's discomfort at taking the seat without permission.

"Sure, okay. Um, everything looks great, thank you so much for letting me be here and for letting me be a part of your holidays." Always polite. Always thankful. Chloe transitioned easily from Beca's natural quietness to the chatter of the dinner table.

Beca ate silently, only occasionally nodding in response to questions.

"So, Beca, what are you doing in college?"

Met with a shrug and the scrape of silverware on the plate.

"What do you do with your free time? We hear you're in some singing group."

Beca's only response was a nod and a sigh.

She was too aware that Chloe was next to her listening to everything. Their knees kept bumping up against each other and every now and then Chloe would laugh at a bad joke and nearly send Beca into a choking fit.

When the initial conversation faded, Beca looked over to Chloe. She had so many words on her lips that were getting to be too much, but Chloe just smiled back at her and made it that much harder to keep everything in.

Then she decided to have a little fun.

"Chloe can sing. She's studying to be a teacher."

And suddenly every food-stuffed face turned to Chloe, questions bubbling just behind mouthfuls of Em's casserole.

"Oh, what grade?"

"You'll have to sing for us, now, you know?"

"Teaching? Pay's not great."

"Wait, do you sing with Beca?"

"Does Beca ever leave her dorm? Do you make sure she gets out enough?"

With every question, Beca's quiet laughs became more and more apparent in Chloe's peripheral vision. She smiled, turned to Beca, and said, "Oh, I pull her out by her ear if she's been in there for more than three hours. She can be quite a grump, though, if I happen to decide it's time for an outing when she's asleep."

Beca glared at Chloe, smiled, and shook her head.

"It's on, Beale."

Then a miracle happened. Beca started to talk with Chloe. She answered questions, giving as much information as she could about Chloe as Chloe did the same about her. It became a contest to see who could convince the relatives of the ridiculousness of their college life. As Beca leaned back in her chair in a fit of laughter, her phone slipped out of her pocket and landed by Chloe's feet.


	15. Chapter 14

"I- I gotta go."

Chloe grabbed the phone before anyone could notice and ran to the bathroom.

Beca's phone lit up.

Aubrey: you're not responding

Chloe laughed quietly. She put down the toilet lid and sat on it, already opening up Beca's texts.

She scrolled through Aubrey's, and then Jesse's. Then she went back through them again. And again. One last time, reading more carefully.

Aubrey was worried. That in and of itself wasn't new, but she had never seemed worried about Beca before. At least, not enough to text her so much over a holiday. But then Chloe remembered her name in the texts. Something was about her. Beca had to tell her something. Was it about Beca's dad? That seemed like kind of a big reveal… Or was it something else? She did seem nervous before they went to bed, but…

Someone knocked on the door.

"Yeah?" Chloe asked, shoving the phone in her pocket.

"You okay?" It was Beca.

"Yeah."

Footsteps. And Beca was gone.

Chloe pulled out the phone again and re-read each text. Much to her dismay, they didn't give up any new information. Jesse's texts, though, still confused her. Beca and Jesse had broken up, and judging by Beca's reaction, she wasn't on great terms with him. But he was texting her like a brother would, making sure she was doing okay. All that with Aubrey's texts made it seem like they knew something important. But why would Beca tell Aubrey something and not her? Wasn't she the one who made friends with Beca?

Suddenly the innocent holiday turned darker. Beca must be planning something. She wasn't usually the person to invite someone to spend two weeks with her without some other motive. Beca had to be plotting… But what?

Chloe put the phone away and stood up. It was no use thinking about it now. She still had to get through dinner. Hopefully Beca's plan wouldn't unfold before Chloe knew what was going on.

The conversation back at the dinner table was hopelessly boring. Once the food was cleared, Chloe called in an early night even in the midst of requests for a duet between her and Beca. Although she would have liked to partake, she couldn't right then.

Beca hardly noticed Chloe's change in demeanor. She was too fascinated by the way she walked out of the bathroom with a sly smirk and the way she walked to the bedroom, gripping the railing of the stairs tighter than necessary.


	16. Chapter 15

Dinner wrapped up quickly after Chloe left. Beca rushed upstairs to hopefully catch Chloe before she fell asleep.

"Chloe, are you-?"

"What do you need to tell me?"

Beca shut her bedroom door behind her and stared at Chloe.

"I don't know what you mean."

"What do I not know? What's the big secret that you've been hiding from me?"

Chloe was sitting on Beca's bed, arms crossed. She glared at Beca, leaving no room for escape. Chloe's face said it all: She knew something was up, and she wasn't going to give up any time soon.

Beca backed up against her door. Her once familiar room turned into a sick, twisted portal to her worst fears and darkest secrets.

"Chloe. I don't know what you're talking about." Beca paced her words carefully, trying not to sound like she knew what was going on. Although, she was confused by the situation. "I'm sure I can explain whatever's going on. Just tell me what you're talking about."

"Oh, like you don't know. Well, you don't. You haven't checked your phone since we left Barden. Wait-"

"What… You looked through my phone?" Beca's hand flew to her pocket. "Where is it?"

Chloe's angry glare dropped and she held up the phone.

Before Beca could grab it, Chloe pulled it close to her body.

"Aubrey said in a text that you said something about me. You've been acting weird for a while now, and even Jesse's asking how you're doing. You've been lying to me."

"Yeah, and you stole my phone and looked through my messages."

Chloe nodded, acknowledging her misdeed. She tossed the phone towards Beca, but Beca let it fall to the floor.

"I was worried," Chloe said. "What's going on?"

"I didn't want this to happen like this… I was supposed to come into this vacation ready and prepared. I didn't want any of it to go like this. Amy wasn't supposed to know and Stacie pulled it out of me and Aubrey won't let it go…"

"Am I the last one to know about this?" Chloe stood up. "Why am I always the last to know? Why am I the person everyone goes to to have fun? Why can't you see that it hurts me when you go behind my back and tell my best friend something apparently important and just ignore me? That's always it. I'm the carefree one. I can help you forget. I get it. It's been like that a long time now. I just thought you were better. I thought you would treat me better."

Beca choked down a sob. The one thing she wanted to do was treat Chloe right.

"Chloe, I just…"

"Yeah. You just. You just weren't thinking. You just forgot. You just thought it would go your way. You just. You just. I GET IT!"

Chloe's outburst stunned Beca. Tears poured from both people, but no one else in the house was aware.

Finally, Beca picked up her phone and looked at her messages.

"Oh. Ok. Ok, this makes sense. Yeah, I know what these messages are about. You're right. They're all about the same thing, essentially. Just different parts. Aubrey warned me and I didn't see. I was too busy. I was enjoying having you be a part of my family, even just for a little bit. I'm just scared to tell you everything."

"So what were her texts about? I mean, why are you afraid?"

"Because you'll never be the person I want you to be."

"You don't know that."

"But I do."


	17. Chapter 16

_I just wanted to take this moment to thank everyone for reading up till now. I'm not exactly sure what will happen after this chapter, but I will try to get the next chapter posted tomorrow or later tonight. (Torn between hopes and reality... if you have any thoughts where you want this to go, feel free to let me know.)_

* * *

Sleepless Night

Beca paced her room, acutely aware of Chloe's inquisitive silence. She passed by Chloe once, twice, countless times.

"I just don't want to lose you. I don't want you to figure out what I'm not saying after I tell you what's going on. I can't risk that, Chloe. I can't."

"Beca, please, just tell me."

"It's not that easy."

"It's not going to get any easier. And it seems pretty easy if everyone else knows but me." Chloe waited for Beca to break, for her to just spill everything out. But Beca just sat next to her on the bed.

"People ask me who my first love was. I told them I was too young to feel that. I knew that love was when you let someone cry on your shoulder and all you want to do is make them feel better. It's when you tear yourself apart trying to keep things together but knowing that it'll all fall apart of you let it go on too long. It's wanting to hold their hand and getting lost in the moment and for once feeling like it's actually going to turn out okay. It's smiling because even though sometimes it gets rough, you know that you'll get out of it together."

"Where are you going with this?"

"I never answered the question about who my first love was. I ignored it every time because I didn't want to tell them that I hadn't felt like that. But I do now. And I just want to let that be enough for right now. I want one more minute of that. A few more seconds of being okay, because after this, I don't know what's going to change."

Beca looked at Chloe and tried to steady her breathing. She found that if she could focus just on Chloe, she could almost convince herself that everything turned out the way she wanted it to. If she just kept looking at Chloe, maybe it would happen. If only for a few seconds, her bed was their bed and her room was their room and the tears would dry on the pillow and in the morning they would smile again. But the seconds passed and the tears came back.

Beca smiled, warm tears already returning quickly. She let out a few deep breaths and laughed.

"Chloe, I'm gay. Lesbian. Whatever you want to call it. Aubrey's going to kill me because she knows what that means. I just hope you don't. Please, whatever you're thinking right now, leave it at that. Just let that be enough for now."

Once Beca stopped talking, Chloe nodded. She cleared her throat. Once. Twice. Trying to get her words out of her mouth. But they stuck to her tongue. What could she say? After all, Beca had said to leave it at that.

"Just once question."

"Yes." Beca waited for the final blow.

"What did Aubrey mean when she said… something about me?"

Beca traced along the lines of Chloe's innocent face with her eyes. She could see the real question behind Chloe's expression, the one she didn't want to hear the answer to.

Instead of talking, Beca leaned forward. Chloe froze.

Beca placed her lips gently on Chloe's cheek and then pulled away.

"I'm so sorry," Beca whispered. "I just had to do that once." Then she stood up and walked out, closing the door behind her.


	18. Chapter 17

_Special thanks to lc16 for the idea for this chapter._

* * *

Beca grabbed her coat and barely paused to put it on before walking into the night. The cold air rushed against her face; she breathed it in and let out a long sigh.

"Too much today. Way too much," she muttered.

Her feet took over as she focused on what had just gone down. Beca took small pride in being able to let her body take care of itself while she stayed trapped in her head. After all, she had done that for years now.

Somehow, she ended up at an old school. Junior high. Beca smiled when she saw the familiar green benches and the outside lights that stayed on even during winter break.

She sat on the bench and looked up at the falling snow. Junior high seemed like so long ago. In the weirdest way, being ignored, then bullied, then ignored again during those three years forced her to, for lack of a less clichéd line, find herself. That thinking time was the first step on the path that she was still on.

So there she was, sitting on the bench at her old school, paying too much attention to the snow.

"I just… I hoped you felt like I do." Beca rested her chin in her hands and talked to the empty air. "You showed me how to laugh at life again because it's ridiculous and now I can't stop thinking and thinking and thinking and that's all I've ever done and it gets me nowhere. You're not like me, though. Now you're afraid of me and I messed up and I wish I could be the person you wanted but here I am, still me, still stuck in the same shit that I've always been."

In times like this, Beca liked to think that the snow was falling towards her because she needed it to. When no one else was around, snow would always be up in the sky, falling somewhere, trying to get to her.

"Anyways," she continued, "I wish you could just understand where I'm coming from. Walking home in the rain because my mom was working and no one wanted to give me a ride. Sneaking my iPod to school because lunch was too lonely if I didn't have music. Never telling any of my friends in high school anything because I didn't want to lose them. I don't want to lose you."

Sneakers scraped against concrete. Beca didn't notice.

"I loved those seconds when anything was possible. I loved when moments were so good that I could imagine them lasting forever."

Footsteps came closer. Fresh snow rumbled underneath.

"I regret. I regret. I want to go back. I wish this didn't happen."

Closer.

"I don't want anything to change."

The bench creaked.

"Fucking dream shit comes to this. Sitting outside my junior high in the snow in the middle of the night."

Suddenly a hand was on Beca's knee.

"You know, I always thought sitting outside a school at night in the snow was kind of nice." Chloe's calm voice pierced the air around Beca.

Beca turned to Chloe, scooted far enough away so that Chloe's hand was off of her, and shuddered.

"What."

"Well," Chloe said, "I wasn't expecting any of this when I agreed to come to your house for the holidays."

"Of course. So now you're leaving."

"No. I just want to let you talk. I mean, I think I heard you talk, but maybe it'll help more to talk to me instead of the snow."

Beca blinked a few times and shivered.

"So you heard."

"I wasn't going to let you go into the night all alone."

"So you look through my phone, listen in on my private thoughts, and expect me to just talk to you about what's happened."

"You were talking to me. I'm not stupid, Beca. I can tell that you were talking to me." Chloe raised an eyebrow.

"Fine. I've known for a while and since I met you I've known a whole lot more. That pretty much sums it up."

Chloe nodded but didn't press any farther. Instead, she moved closer to Beca and pulled her into a hug.

"I don't care what you say you are. You're one of my best friends and I don't want to lose you, either."

Beca pulled away from the hug and grabbed Chloe's face in her hands.

"I don't trust myself." She ran her thumbs along Chloe's cheeks and started to cry again. "I'm going to fuck this up. I-"

Chloe took the chance and reclaimed her hug. She could hear Beca's sobs and feel Beca cry against her shoulder. As Beca cried, Chloe kept her hug tight, trying to keep the cold away.

Beca turned her face towards Chloe's neck and lifted her head. Chloe loosened her hold and Beca placed a hand on Chloe's back.

"I'm still here, Beca. I'm not leaving."

Beca pulled Chloe closer to her and into a kiss. It was just like she imagined it. Soft. Warm. Full of Chloe. But Chloe wasn't doing anything.

Cold air slipped between them as Chloe backed away. Beca waited for Chloe to do something, anything.

Her eyes said it all. Afraid. Confused. Something Beca couldn't place, but something big.

Chloe shook her head and stood up.

Then it hit Beca.

Betrayal.


	19. Chapter 18

"You said you weren't leaving," Beca said, standing up.

"You said a lot, too. You said that this was enough." Chloe wiped fresh tears off of her face and started to walk back to Beca's house.

There was nothing left to say. Beca watched Chloe walk away until she was absorbed by the night. So Beca was left alone.

"No. Not again."

She ran. She passed Chloe and kept going. She ran through her backyard and turned around and ran again. She ran through bushes and backyards to get to the park. She ran around the pond and kicked snow behind her. She ran to her high school and turned around. She ran against the wet concrete and crossed streets until she was back at her junior high. She could see her own footprints in the snow, but Chloe's were already filling in again.

So she ran again. Not as far. The field they used for gym during those three years.

Once Beca was in the middle of the field, she lay on her back and pulled out her phone.

Beca: I fucked up

Five minutes. Seven. Ten. No response.

Chloe must have called her by now. Aubrey probably knew everything.

Beca: I know I messed up. Please respond.

Aubrey: what happened

She didn't know.

Beca: I told her everything. Then I tried to kiss her.

Aubrey: you fucking idiot

Beca: tell me something I don't know

Aubrey: well what is she doing now

Beca: no idea. She walked away

Aubrey: damn you beca now I have to pretend I don't know anything when she calls

Beca: just tell her everything please I don't want her thinking im hiding anything else

Aubrey: fine

And again she was alone. After a few more minutes, she sat up.

There was nowhere left to run. So she got up and walked back home, following Chloe's fading footprints.


	20. Chapter 19

Beca stared down the dark hallway.

"Beca. Come here."

She whipped around to find the voice. It was her mom, sitting on he couch.

"Why did Chloe walk into this house in the middle of the night crying?"

Beca looked at her feet. The snow on her sneakers was beginning to melt.

"I messed up," Beca said. A new wave of tears threatened to rise. "I- I misread everything. I ruined everything."

Em stood up, but Beca was already walking to the kitchen. Em followed close behind.

"Beca, I'm sure you didn't ruin everything, but I can't help you if I don't know what's going on."

"I can't fucking do this today, okay? I've had a long day. I'm sorry, but that's it. I'm not doing it again." Beca flung open the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. The cold reminded her too much of the snow and the snow reminded her too much of everything that had gone wrong ever. She stared into the fridge, waiting for Em to leave, but Em didn't move.

"I can tell you have something you want to say."

"No."

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"Want to talk?"

"No."

"Okay." Em started to walk away.

"Mom?"

Em smiled.

"Yes?"

"Can we talk?"

By the time Beca built up the courage to face her mom, the kitchen was empty.

"Come on!" Em said from the living room. "I'm sick of the kitchen."

Beca dragged her feet across the tiled floor, her heart speeding up with every second. Even though the worst possible scenario happened with Chloe, it meant nothing for her comfort with starting all over again. Already she was crying again and regretting saying anything in the first place. The door was too tempting. Chloe was upstairs. Who knew if she was listening. Who knew if anyone in the house was listening. Her dad especially.

Her mom was waiting expectantly on the couch. Beca freaked out that much more. Em smiled and patted the spot next to her, and Beca had no choice but to accept.

"What do you think this is about?" Beca asked. She wanted to know what she was getting into.

"I'm just going to let you figure that out. It must be bothering you a lot, though, if you're this broken up about Chloe. She's special to you, isn't she?"

"Yeah," Beca said, smiling, "she is. Um, that's kind of what… I mean, she's great. But I don't think she feels the same way that I do, because, well, I guess, we're just on different levels?"

"That's not all."

"What?"

"I know you. Keep going."

Beca fell against the couch and wiped her eyes.

"What I'm trying to say is that I talked to Chloe tonight and I thought that what she said meant something different." Beca spoke each word slowly, making sure to choose the right ones. "So I… wait, that wouldn't make sense… I'm sick of remembering who knows what. That's it. You don't know. And you want to. But I just want you to know without me having to say it, you know?"

Em nodded, her smile growing. Beca didn't know how to respond, but she didn't have to. Em's arms were wrapped around her and she was laughing.

"I'm so glad you finally figured it out, honey. It doesn't change a thing. It's okay. It's okay. But you have to fix this with Chloe."


	21. Chapter 20

Chloe sat at the edge of Beca's bed. She heard talking downstairs, but nothing distinct. She stared at her phone.

Aubrey: I don't know what beca did but you have to forgive her. shes really freaked out.

Chloe sat frozen, listening to the footsteps on the stairs. A door opened and closed. She was still alone. Slowly, she stood up and started to straighten out the blankets. In her slight trance, she took one off the bed and walked down the stairs. She found Beca sitting on the couch, watching the snow fall.

"I figured you'd want a blanket," Chloe said. She laid the blanket over the top of the couch.

"Thanks." Beca moved to the corner of the couch. "Are you-?"

"I don't know."

With that, Chloe went back upstairs.

Beca listened for the door to close before spreading herself out on the couch and wrapping herself in the blanket. It still smelled like Chloe.

It haunted her. The quiet night pushed in on her ears and taunted her unsaid words.

She checked the clock.

11:48.

She could just barely smell the turkey from dinner.

With a deep breath, Beca stood up and draped the blanket over her shoulders. The stairs creaked under her feet. Chloe was just up the stairs and behind a door. Chloe was just above her, in her own world in which Beca was destined to be only a visitor. Just there to smile and look through the window. To pine after her and not get anything in return because that was life.

She didn't knock. She didn't open the door. Instead she sat down.

Beca could hear Chloe, just enough to make out what she was saying.

"What the fuck is going on…" "This isn't supposed to happen this way…" "…you mean you knew?" "…I thought…" "She told…" "…left her downstairs." "...heard her talking I think. To her mom."

A thud. Beca heard Chloe fall onto her mattress. Her lamp clicked off.

Her hands shook. She rubbed them against her knees and cracked her knuckles. Then she stretched her back and returned to rubbing her knees. He hands were cold. She hadn't moved in ten minutes but was out of breath. Beca pulled herself up but could barely stand. Her legs started to feel light, almost nonexistent.

Beca slipped into her room and sat on her bed, inches away from Chloe.

"Chlo?"

"I'm still awake."

"I figured…" Beca said, lying down. "Tell me what's going on. I know I messed up, but what's going on in your head?"

"Too much. It's been a long day."

"Tell me about it."

They laughed. For a moment, it was all better. Then they remembered again.

"I'm really sorry," Beca whispered.

"I know. Me too. I… I haven't been telling you everything, either. But seeing you tough it out has helped. I wanted this to be relaxing. I didn't want to go to my family because it would have been painful. They're great, I just didn't want to start anything."

Chloe looked over to Beca. The blankets rose rhythmically with Beca's every breath. She was asleep.

She looked over at the clock.

12:05.

"Merry Christmas."


	22. Chapter 21

_I have returned from my three day hiatus. This chapter is fluff and stuff. More to come soon._

* * *

Light had barely begun to break through Beca's window when Chloe shook the bed with her excitement.

"Beca. Beca. Beca."

"Mhm…"

"It's Christmas."

Beca's eyes opened slowly. She saw Chloe staring at her and jumped. She tried to scoot away but teetered on the edge of her bed. As Chloe got up, the bed shifted and Beca landed on the floor.

"It's… yeah. Christmas. What…" Beca rubbed her eyes and reached around her on the floor for her phone. "Did I fall asleep while you were talking last night?"

"Um, never mind that. Come on, I want to see your presents!" Chloe leapt across the room and grabbed a small box from her suitcase. "Bring it downstairs."

Beca took the gift from Chloe. Their fingertips brushed lightly during the transfer, but both of them pretended not to notice.

The gift was wrapped surprisingly well considering Chloe's previous experience during the Bellas Secret Santa. The wrapping paper was dark green with a red ribbon around it.

"Thanks. You know you didn't have to get me anything. I… thanks." Beca stretched and rubbed her back. "I guess we should head downstairs."

Chloe was already bounding down the stairs by the time Beca had reached the door. Em's side of the family was already around the tree in the living room.

Em smiled when she saw Beca and Chloe arrive together, but Beca shook her head, signaling her to the unfinished business that was still between her and Chloe.

"Who's ready to start?" Em asked once Beca and Chloe found a place on the floor.

"ME!" Adam shouted, jumping up form his mom's lap.

"Shhh… we don't want them waking up," Em said, pointing up.

Em took it upon herself to pass out each person's respective gifts. Wrapping paper flew through the air and landed scattered on the ground. The pack of small children rushed "thank you" in between each rip and crumble. Beca and Chloe sat back, caught between the adults and the kids.

Em tossed a few envelopes towards Beca, one of which was for Chloe.

"Here, I guess my mom got you something," Beca said, handing her the envelope.

"Thanks. Are you going to open my present? Or are you afraid?" Chloe asked. She raised an eyebrow and nudged the still unopened box closer to Beca.

"Afraid?" Beca feigned shock. "Try me."

"Then open it."

"Maybe I will."

"Go for it."

"Make me."

Chloe smiled, stood up, walked over to the pack of kids, and grabbed one by the shoulder. "Want to learn a game?"

It was Adam. Good old hyperactive, enthusiastic Adam. Within seconds, Chloe had him situated in front of Beca with two plastic cups.

"Teach him. Or, you know, admit I'm terrifying and I'll let you off the hook."

"What?" Beca reverted to a whisper. "If he learns it he won't stop until he leaves the house."

Chloe nodded and smirked. "Terrified yet?"

"I'm always terrified."


	23. Chapter 22

It took about an hour. Finally, Adam was able to maneuver the plastic cup correctly. Beca promised that she would teach him the lyrics later, when her patience had returned.

Chloe had watched the whole time; she watched Beca run her hands through her hair when she was frustrated and laugh when Adam improvised and Chloe saw Beca leave the unopened box at her side, never looking at it.

Chloe watched Beca's small smile whenever their eyes met.

From where Chloe was sitting, she could see the windows. Beca was backed by snow and the Christmas tree.

The whole house was warm and alive, even as Beca's dad's side of the family trickled downstairs to claim their gifts. John was, expectedly, the last one to rise.

"Em." The greeting was short.

"John." The feeling was mutual.

"I expect all is going well?"

"Very."

An invisible wall seemed to form around Em and John, no one wanting to step close enough to hear but everyone wanting to listen in. Wrapping paper was stilled and only a small chatter remained to fill the uneasy silence.

"Beca?" Her dad held out an envelope.

"Sure." She wasn't about to thank him; he deserved less than nothing.

Beca pulled out the card and read it carefully three times over.

_Rebecca,_

_ Happy Holidays._

_ -John Mitchell_

"Well?"

"Yeah." Beca tossed the card to the ground where she had been sitting. As it fluttered down, she remembered years ago when friends would all sit and hand out birthday cards or just talk or cry or play. It was all so far away.

"You know, Beca, my friend has a son around your age. You might get along."

She froze.

"What makes you think that?"

"He's quite liberal." The words seemed to burn his tongue. "But it would be good for you to give it a try."

Chloe tried not to look like she knew what was going on. Em was already trying to force herself between Beca and John, but John held her at arm's length.

Beca still stood, nearly quivering, looking between the card on the ground, Chloe's unopened present, and her own hands. Her fingertips were growing colder by the second. The warm air got too warm.

"Well?" John prodded. "Say something."

"I-"

"Yes?"

"I won't."

"What?"  
Beca looked to Chloe, and they knew that everything had to be put aside for the time being. Chloe tried and failed to settle her confusion and pain that still hadn't faded since being at that bench in the snow.

It was another one of those moments. Beca's hand rested in the air inches from her body and everything seemed possible. If only it was real. If only the fingers clasping hers were truthful. If only the mutual lie was instead a mutual love. But Beca knew that was a thing of stories and fantasies. She knew many times over that what she was doing and what she was hoping for were never to be reconciled. After, it would all be over. Chloe's arm rested against her own but the touch was afraid. A rule Beca knew all too well had been broken and they were trying to pretend that nothing had happened.

"Dr. Mitchell?" Chloe said.

"No."

Beca tightened her grip on Chloe's hand.

"Dad, you have to understand," Beca began.

"Why call me that? Not like you ever wanted to before, so why now? Why, when you know that this is… You brought this into my house and you knew what would happen."

"Get out of my house," Beca demanded.

"This is my house."

"You left. You left me. You left Mom. Get out."

"Perfect. She's infected you with her blasphemous perspective on a much-needed separation."

"Out. Now."

For the second time in her life, her dad left.


	24. Chapter 23

_This is the new chapter 23. For best results, reread the end of chapter 22 and pretend that the old version of 23 never existed. Thanks for your patience and understanding._

* * *

Chloe let go of Beca's hand and went upstairs without saying anything. Em pulled Beca to the couch and handed her the box form Chloe that she still hadn't opened.

Beca balanced the box on her knees and tried to ignore the many pairs of eyes focused on her. She opened the box.

Under the lid, Chloe had written something.

_Read alone._

Inside were folded up sheets of paper of varying sizes.

"I need to use the bathroom," Beca said. She gathered the box and card and ran before anyone could question her.

_You told me a lot today. Sorry it didn't work with Jesse…_

She tossed it on the floor.

_You seemed sad._

Next.

_I wish you knew._

It was coming together.

_I shouldn't have walked away._

So many said the same thing over and over.

_I was going to say something._

_I'm sorry._

_I almost did it today but I couldn't._

The words were so uncomfortably real. Too many times she had thought them herself. And all that time, Chloe was waiting, just like her; she was waiting because it could fall apart at any minute.

Beca grabbed the papers and ran upstairs to find Chloe.

"What is this?" Beca asked as soon as she walked into her room.

"I don't know what you're talking about when you just walk in here and demand answers." Chloe spun around in Beca's desk chair and watched the ceiling lights spin over her.

"The letters."

"Really? You haven't figured it out?"

"Not really."

Chloe stood up and grabbed the edge of Beca's desk.

"Let me see."

Beca tossed her the box.

"Okay." Chloe pulled out one sheet. "'_I wish you knew. I know more than you think I do._' '_I almost did it today but I couldn't. I wanted you to be the one to tell me._'" She looked up at Beca.

"I just…"

"As usual. Beca, I've known for a long time that you were hiding something. It didn't take much to figure out what that was. I just didn't know my place in it all, and honestly, that kiss kind of scared me." She walked across the room and handed the box back to Beca. "I'm here for you, but that's all. I'm sorry it's not what you wanted."

Beca flipped the box over in her hands, rethinking every line she read. It was all in her head. Everything was just her trying to convince herself that her dream was reality. But real life waits for no one and spares no lives when it comes to moving forward.

"No, no, I get it. I just got sick of listening to crappy love songs that made too much sense to me. I shouldn't have… It wasn't my place to do that to you. I wanted to be a main character but even in my own life I seem to be a fucking minor one. It's a nightmare."

Chloe wasn't sure what to do. Beca's words still hung in the air, but there was nothing left to act on. But just one question remained.

"Who's the main character?"

"I thought it was my mom or my dad. They took up so much space that I didn't know where I could fit myself in."

"But?"

"Then you told me to come to that audition. You got stuck in my head like a sad song when I'm supposed to be happy. It was beautiful but it hurt so much. My world relied on being part of yours. I don't know how to live if I'm not under your sky any more. I need your clouds and your sun and all I can do is hope that my little world can stay in a corner in yours."

Chloe ran a hand through her hair and shut her eyes.

"I can't have you around if you're convinced I'll change."

"I just want my friend back, Chloe. I think I lost her when I fucked up last night."

The door rattled under a short knock.

"Girls? Pancakes?"

"Mom, not now. Kind of busy."

"Okay, you're missing out!"

It didn't take long for Beca to regret the offer of pancakes.

"Breakfast, then we continue this?"

"For sure."


	25. Chapter 24

_Note: If you have not read the revised version of chapter 23, do so now and disregard the previous version._

* * *

By the time they got down to breakfast, most of the food was already gone. What was remaining had sustained some damage, but Beca and Chloe enjoyed the meal nonetheless. The only thing stopping them from conversation was the lingering uncertainty that was to continue as soon as they stopped eating. So they picked at their food for longer than necessary and tried instead to focus on other conversations.

But that wasn't as easy as they thought it would be.

"So, how long have you two been… you know?"

The question came from Beca's right, but she didn't care who it came from. She glanced over to Chloe, who was paralyzed with fear herself.

After a few seconds, Chloe nodded. It would be too much to explain.

"A few months," Beca said.

"So, how'd it start?"

"I was driving her home." Beca felt her eyes sting with tears. "And I just told her everything. I didn't want to hide from her any more, because I knew that I wanted to keep her as a friend. She understood. And here we are."

Beca reclined in her chair and rubbed her eyes. The conversations picked up again without her and Chloe was still silent.

Forks and knives slowed down. People left and started to pack because life started for them once Christmas was over. Beca wandered into the basement when no one was looking, just to get away.

She nestled herself between two storage bins and tried to block out the smell of old suits and blankets. As she stared ahead, the darkness of the basement crept around her vision. People walked around above her and she could hear every step. The rumbling of rolling suitcases. The clicking of clasps and the booms of the kids running up and down the halls.

She knew Chloe was looking for her. Beca knew she would check upstairs and then remember the basement.

Beca wanted nothing more than to crawl deeper underground where she could bury herself in those few moments when everything was okay. She wanted to live in the pockets of her memory and ignore the rest, the pain, the fighting, the imminent disappointment. She wanted her world back because it was too late to return. It had been shattered beyond repair and tainted with the taste of Chloe and the taste of tears. The lethal combination stirred in her and she felt sick to her stomach.

Everything was upstairs. Her computer. Her music. Everything. She couldn't go back up without being noticed.

"_And all you'd ever hear me say is how I pictured me with you. I guess you never felt that way,_" Beca sang softly, just above a whisper.

That was it.

She clenched her fists and stood up, grabbing every extra pillow she could find and flinging it at the walls. When that didn't satisfy her, she jumped on them. She punched them, kicked them, and screamed into them. Beca's heart pounded and mind raced.

Above her, people still walked and talked. Chloe would be coming any minute. She just knew it. The door creaked. Someone walked halfway down the stairs.

"I guess I keep making this harder," Beca said into the darkness.

"Yeah." Chloe walked down the remaining steps and turned on the light. "You need to stop making things up to make life easier. Clearly, that isn't working."

"I know. I just don't want… I don't want to make a big deal out of my life. If I do that, no one will shut up and I'll say something stupid because I won't have time to think and I already mess thing up when I think them through so I'm trying to stop a bigger disaster."

"So? What are you going to do? You can't think ahead for everything."

Beca turned to look at Chloe for the first time since she came down the stairs. She knew exactly what she was going to do. She would pretend everything was okay. She would tell Chloe that she felt better and that they were on good terms. She would suffer every remaining night of the holiday sleeping next to her and try to absorb every ounce of happiness she could before Aubrey pounced on her back at Barden and memorize every detail of Chloe so that she wouldn't have to drag Chloe down with her.

But Beca didn't say any of that.

Instead, she shrugged and tried to force a smile.

"Let's go back upstairs, this place has too many memories in it."

At the top of the stairs, Beca turned off the lights. She lingered at the edge of the darkness she created and felt at home. It unsettled her, and before she could linger on the thought any longer, she forced herself past the shadows.


End file.
